Core principle #1: It’s not about you
A seemingly paradoxical relationship axiom is that the more you convey (through action and speech) that the relationship is your priority, the more autonomy you will likely have.
Perhaps you fear — consciously or unconsciously — that you’re going to have to do everything your partner wants, that you will lose your voice and your autonomy.
But in fact, if your partner intuits and trusts that the relationship is a priority, the less insecure and anxious they will be about you spending time away.
Vice versa, no one likes to feel like a third wheel — that they are losing to your friends, work, or to a recreational activity. They will feel demoted and will secretly (or not so secretly) resent that perceived competition for their attention.
Core principle #2: Express interest in your partner’s perspective
I see this a lot in my office. One partner feels like their perspective doesn’t matter, like their only job is to tend to their partner’s emotions and whims.
If you want your partner to have a true interest in you, you have to convey that you are interested in them. You are more likely to get what you want if your emotional needs and whims are not always front and center.
It goes a long way to stop and consider where your partner is coming from, and even further if they see this effort toward empathy from you.
Tell your partner, “I’m trying to see if from your perspective” — and mean it!
Core principle #3: Have difficult conversations
When couples don’t have real conversations about what is bothering them, resentment builds.
The unfortunate thing about resentment is that you can’t sweep it under the rug.
It will come out one way or another, whether in an angry outburst, passive-aggressive behavior, or withdrawal. Instead of letting it build, have that difficult conversation as soon as you can (and ideally in person, not by phone or text).
When having such conversations, you will give yourself the best chance of being heard if you lead with the fact that what you are sharing is your perspective. You might begin with “I feel” statements, and only then follow up with any requests. A request helps your partner help you.
Core principle #4: Appreciate your partner and what they have given you
We have to acknowledge the good, or we fixate on the negative — how annoying our partner is, that they never do the dishes, help with the kids, etc.
This gratitude is an active practice, and it deepens over time. “Thank you for making coffee this morning” can evolve into “Thank you for being a great partner and parent.”
When you active appreciate your partner, you are putting money in the relationship bank, which you may need to borrow from when things are tough. It also helps you look at your partner in a better light.
If we are honest with ourselves, our partner does a whole lot for us. If we actively appreciate that, it’s likely the relationship will thrive.
Stan Tatkin observes that when we look for a mate, our relationship search is frequently backwards. Most often we look for the right person, when we should be looking to build the right relationship.
It doesn’t really matter how many interests you share or not. Upholding these relationship principles transcends interests and allows both of you to be seen, respected, and appreciated.
Then there is really no difficulty you won’t be able to handle.
FAQs
Healthy relationships involve honesty, trust, respect and open communication between partners and they take effort and compromise from both people.
What are the 4 relationship principles? ›
The key principles that relationships should be built on is Respect, loyalty, trust, and communication. But, these are what most so called “Experts” want you to follow.
What is the 3 C's of a healthy relationship? ›
A strong and healthy relationship is built on the three C's: Communication, Compromise and Commitment.
What are the 7 traits of a healthy relationship? ›
7 Signs of a Healthy Relationship
- You trust each other. ...
- You support each other. ...
- You are equal partners. ...
- You can be yourselves. ...
- You communicate well and honestly with each other. ...
- You have fun together. ...
- You respect each other.
They include:
- Mutual respect. Respect means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person's boundaries.
- Trust. Partners should place trust in each other and give each other the benefit of the doubt.
- Honesty. ...
- Compromise. ...
- Individuality. ...
- Good communication. ...
- Anger control. ...
- Fighting fair.
12 Elements of Healthy Relationships
- Communication. The way you talk with friends or partners is an important part of a relationship. ...
- Boundaries. ...
- Consent. ...
- Trust. ...
- Honesty. ...
- Independence. ...
- Equality. ...
- Support.
Stage 1: The euphoric stage - 6 months to 24 months (2 years) Stage 2: The early attachment stage - 12 months (1 year) to 60 months (5 years) Stage 3: The crisis stage - 60 months (5 years) to 84 months (7 years) Stage 4: The deep attachment stage - 84 months (7 years) and beyond.
What is the phase 4 of a relationship? ›
Stage 4: The Settling Down Stage
At this point, a couple has learned to communicate with each other and knows how to weather any storms. It's a calm stage where the couple has respect for each other and has a feeling of security in the relationship. "This is the most mature love," Westhouse shares.
What are the three P's of relationships? ›
In his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Steve Harvey explains that a man who does the three P's truly loves his woman. The three P's are: profess, provide, and protect. Keep reading if you're wondering how you know if he loves you or not.
What are the three keys to a successful relationship? ›
When it comes to having a successful relationship, there are three key ingredients that must be present for it to thrive: communication, trust, and love. Each of these is integral to creating and maintaining a strong bond with your partner, as they provide the foundation for understanding, security, and mutual respect.
All healthy relationships share the following three core components: Mutual respect. Mutual trust. Mutual affection.
What are 5 qualities of a bad relationship? ›
Lying, cheating, jealousy, and disrespect are signs of an unhealthy relationship. So is trying to control a partner. That includes: keeping track of where they are and who they hang out with.
What are the 6 qualities of a good relationship? ›
Our experts identified six key characteristics of a healthy relationship, including empathy, trust, respect, compromise, laughter, and communication. Chief among them is communication, says Stephanie Newman, PhD, a psychoanalyst and psychologist in New York.
What is the 7 7 7 rule in relationships? ›
Here's how the 777 Rule works: every seven days you go on a date, every seven weeks you go away for the night and every seven months the two of you head off on a romantic holiday. It might sound a tad prescriptive, and an à deux holiday almost twice a year could be one too many, but nevertheless we get the point.
What are the 5 elements relationships? ›
The five basic elements of a quality relationship are trust, forgiveness, integrity, hope and compassion. Each of these are important individually, but in concert they substantiate the relationship. Each is established upon giving, for without giving, none authentically function. Giving underpins all relationships.
What are the five ingredients for a healthy relationship? ›
The 5 must-have ingredients for a thriving relationship
- Respect: The Pillar of Healthy Relationships. ...
- Individuality: Encouraging Personal Growth. ...
- Effective Communication: The Art of Active Listening. ...
- Realism: The Power of Embracing Imperfections. ...
- 5 Emotional Intelligence: The Power of Empathy.
Persistent jealousy, lack of support, and feeling like you must walk on eggshells around your partner may be signs of an unhealthy relationship. Support is available if you need to leave. In a healthy relationship, everything just kind of works.
